Below is the first “mob” sales letter critique.
My comments on the sales letter are below.
Feel free to add your own unique thoughts, ideas and suggestions about the sales letter in the “comments” section below.
The more feedback, the better.
Before we begin, I want to say “thank you!” to everyone who submitted their own sales letters.
I chose this particular ad because:
1. Rich (the guy who submitted it) was one of the few who included info on the market along with the letter. (Extremely important whenever you’re seeking a critique.)
2. It’s in a truly crowded market with LOTS of competition.
3. It’s a woman-dominated market — something all of us can never learn too much about.
Okay, enough babbling.
Below is the link to Rich’s sales letter and the information he sent me about his market.
My critique is below that and, again, if you wish to submit feedback for Rich (he’s eager for feedback — positive or negative), just enter it in the comments section.
ALL comments are welcome.
And I know Rich will appreciate any feedback — good, bad, or ugly.
Here’s the sales letter:
And here’s the market info:
Overweight women (usually middle-aged) who want quick fixes and “outside-the-box” weight loss tricks…. something beyond the ordinary. They’re busy, depressed, full of excuses, stressed out, tired, and pretty much in a hopeless state of mind.
They don’t like going outside their comfort zones and want to continue to eat what they’ve been eating without having to add much if any exercising to what they currently do (which usually isn’t much). They’d generally like to take a pill and be done with it, instead of doing anything with diets and exercise.
OK Rich, when reading mine (or anyone else’s) advice, take everything with a grain of salt.
In fact, treat all suggestions like a hat or coat.
If they “fit”, use them.
If they don’t “fit”, discard or put them away for later.
With that said, here are some thoughts I had while reading it…
Headline Idea
Your headline’s not necessarily a bad one.
But I always like playing around with totally different headlines and themes.
So here’s another idea to test:
You Can Use My Secret “Disappearing Fat” Method
To Almost Effortlessly Shrink 1.75 Inches
Off Your Belly, Hips, Thighs And Butt
-
”Hi, my name is Jen Jolan. Over 3,700 women have used my new book ‘The Ultimate Diet Guide’ to quickly eliminate ugly fat and retake control of their health — without starving, straining or long hours of exercise.
”And I’m so confident my new book can do the same for you that, if I’m wrong, I’ll double your money back… and you can even keep the book just for your trouble…
By the way, if you do test this headline…
… make sure it’s custom-tailored to exactly what your market is feeling and thinking.
You want to use the exact words your market uses when they talk about their weight problems.
Before & After Photos
If I were you, I’d make it my #1 mission to get as many “before and after” photos of women who have bought your eBook as possible.
This takes time, effort and a lot of persistence — but I think you will find it more than worth it.
Nothing persuades quite like a good “before and after” picture.
Also, test putting your testimonials in a side bar along the side — with frequent order buttons sprinkled throughout. And if you can call those customers up and ask them:
-
1. For a photo (looking slim, of course)
2. If they will read their testimonials over the phone so you can record them.
That way you can personalize those testimonials and give more “weight” (no pun intended) to their impact.
Lose The Hottie?
This is not set in stone, but is definitely worth testing.
It could be some women in your market are not going to relate very well with the photo of Jen Jolan.
At least, not if you don’t also include a picture of her looking overweight next to it.
The more you can connect with your market — so they see Jen Jolan (or whoever the letter is “from”) as “one of them” — the better.
In fact, if you can swing it, I’d suggest finding a customer who was overweight and isn’t now, and ask them if they will let you use their story and before-and-after photo in the ad.
Speaking of which…
Weave More “Woe.”
Another thing to test, is finding someone who is actually part of your market and having that person be the “voice” of your ad.
This way, it’s coming from someone your market can instantly and easily relate to and connect with.
Ideally, you want the voice to be from someone who is of the exact same age, income status, etc of your market.
By the way, if you can’t find anyone, the next best thing is having Jen Jolan tell the story of a woman fitting the market’s exact description.
You know, something like:
“Not long ago I ran into an old friend… she is in her forties now and had gained a lot of weight after childbirth, stress, divorce, fast lifestyle… she was depressed…. miserable… stressed out… too busy to hit the gym or make healthy meals each day… in a hopeless state of mind.”
Literally work ALL those emotions your market is feeling into the story.
That way they can more easily “step” into the ad themselves and experience it.
Then, after going on about how everything sucked for her, transition into your product.
Something like how Jen showed her friend a secret way of losing weight she’d learned while working as a personal trainer for a celebrity (or some kind of dramatic client)…
… and told her to do a simple 15-second exercise each day so easy and convenient, you can do it while stuck in traffic.
Then, miraculously, within just a few weeks… her friend lost weight… became a new person… got a new (younger) boyfriend, starting getting calls from her friends asking her for advice on how they could lose weight… etc, etc, etc.
See how that works?
It all goes back to a story your market can relate to and experience.
Great Bullets
I enjoyed reading your bullets, good stuff…
Domain Dilemma
Something I recently learned from Google AdWords “wizard” Jim Yaghi is having numbers in domain names can be dangerous.
In other words…
… if someone is talking about your domain name verbally, or if you are telling someone about it over the phone (like on a tele-seminar), or if someone is simply trying to remember it by name…
… they may say: “weightlossguideforwomen.com”… instead of “weightlossguide4women.com”
So I’d grab the domain name “weightlossguideforwomen” and forward it to your main one just in case.
Bigger Guarantee
The weight loss market is a tough nut to crack.
But one way to give yourself an immediate advantage is to offer something nobody else has the balls to do.
In this case, how about a double money-back guarantee?
Double their money back and they can keep the book no matter what (which is true anyway, since it’s digital).
Could be worth at least testing.
Back End?
This is just supplementary advice and maybe you are already doing this.
But it’d be a no-brainer to back-end sell a continuity-type product — maybe a supplement, beauty cream, etc.
This way, you turn a one-time sale into many more sales for months to come.
Okay Rich, so that’s my advice for now.
Again, take with a grain of salt.
You know your market better than I do, so use what fits, discard what doesn’t.
If you want examples of more weight loss ads for ideas, check out the following URLs:
If anyone else wants to chime in on Rich’s ad, feel free to in the comments section below.
Especially if you are a woman who is either in this market, knows someone in this market, or sells to this market (your advice will be worth ten times what mine is to Rich.)
And don’t worry about offending Rich or hurting his feelings.
He’s a big boy and can take it 
So fire away…
{ 22 comments }
I feel the headline is way to long, wordy and confusing. Would eliminate everything except “Learn a simple 15-second…” and make it the headline. Also, the book is introduced too soon. After every 10th bullet, add a short benefit-oriented paragraph, testimonial or something as list of bullets is way too long. Introduce book as the ultimate solution after all the bullets. Before & after pics would be great. Price should be around $19 or so.
I think you need to find a way to address the skepticism of the market right up front in the headline. This is one of the most over-hyped markets out there and these women have seen everything in the way of fads, etc. So if there’s any way you can speak to that skepticism right off the bat and somehow sound different than the other 99%, you’ll have a much better chance of keeping their attention. Yes, the “other 3,700 women” are mentioned on the deck below the headline. But that’s already too late. Even something as simple as “Why over 3,700 women are raving about this simple new 15-second ‘disappearing fat’ technique…” Proof before promises. Especially with a super-skeptical market like weight loss.
Hi Ben and Rich,
Time limits me from diving in deep. But I want to point out a big red flag I see at the beginning of the letter.
It’s the instruction for the reader to “stand up and spin around 12 times.”
Considering your prospect may reading your letter be at work (or anywhere else they could be seen) they’re unlikely to do the exercise.
Keep in mind that your letter is a convenience problem for your prospect. Yes, they are compelled to read it because it promises a solution to an even bigger problem, however, if they discover they like your solution, they have to act… and it’s human nature to avoid taking action you could avoid.
So, you must write your copy knowing your reader is DYING for any excuse to STOP reading. The fact they they cannot fulfill your instruction to stand and twirl is the perfect excuse to stop reading (not to mention you provided the subhead “STOP!” as extra instruction).
I bet you could come up with a different exercise to make the same point. Say, holding their feet 6″ off the floor for one minute. The muscle strain from that exercise would force them to focus on their legs and buttocks, too. Exactly where you want their heads as they read about your weigh loss solution ; )
Hope that helps some.
Kevin
P.S. Def. lose the hottie. If your target is middle aged, they’ll hate her.
Hi Rich:
Here’s my input.
I tried to focus on your headline and subhead and picture, essentially the first window I see as a reader.
I found it to lack two things
1-A clear, desirable benefit: You do have some vague benefit. You talk about disappearing fat, which would interest most women who think they’re fat.
2-Belief: as your headline stands, there is nothing that backs up the claim.
It reads more like, just another claim. There is no mechanism, or news that differentiates your sales letter from other sales letters selling to the same women you’re after.
You have tons of testimonials, but from glancing at your sales letter, I can see you’re not using them well.
In fact, I think your sales letter should incorporate more testimonials. You can use the content to bring more solid “proofs” to your copy.
Here’s an example:
Julie, from Atlanta Georgia, has lost X pounds following this method. She says….
Danessa, from Brockton, MA has lost 7 pounds in 10 days by just spinning around….
The point I am making is: you should weave the testimonials into your copy, to make the prospect believe that this program could really work for her, if only she would try it.
I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Swans Paul
What’s Happenin Rich
First thing I also noticed was the picture needs to go unless as Ben mentioned you have a before picture of the exact same person. Yes, beautiful women sell though in this particular case your market will resent her more than relate to her.
Also, women in your target market want to see firsthand results so yes more before and after picture of women who have actually used your product and saw results would do your sales letter some justice. Understand that online, and *especially* in the weight loss market, your target market must experience results in advance.
Have you tested price? …
… I ask that because you make some wild claims there and your product is only $19.97
Many people undervalue what they have to offer the market. Just because the rest of the market prices their product at the same price doesn’t set a magical rule that you have to do the same thing. You may want to study a Clickbank product that has done well in the marketplace (it’s been on the movers and shakers list on cbengine.com, made over $1 mil in sales) is [[dub dub dub "strip that fat dot" com]]
Be well sir and may you prosper and go far.
Matt
Well guys, I love reading your responses, since I’m not a copywriter.
I’ll just share my 41-year- old- female perspective:
My first thought is “Yeah right, this little chickie has probably never been fat in her life.”
So I would want to know your story. Draw me in, show me a picture of yourself fat in a candid photo from your real life collection.
Then give me more testimonials from others who admit my own objections. “I thought this sounded too good to be true, but realized I had nothing to lose…”
I didn’t see any correlation between my dizziness (I spun four times before wanting to fall over – gosh aging sucks) and the solution. Perhaps “The Endocrine Secret for effortless weight loss” or something.
Oh yeah, the headline made me depressed because a cute young girl is reminding me that my fat is ugly (which is only slightly more comforting than if it were a guy talking. We hate you hunky types-you made fun of us in high school) and she can forget about me giving up dinner out because as a compulsive eater, that is the highlight of my week!
Other than that, I liked the interactive part, although I agree that being able to do something in my seat might have been better. Hmmm, but surely no one is reading that stuff while at work (!)
Very nice. I don’t think I could write it.
Gina
;well….first of all, I hated the stupid start: to spin like a child…hmm….well, Don’t count me in on that! What I think you should have done is to put some general ideas in the beginning of your sales letter. Why not say what you affer somewhere at the start? I am usualy against this kind of thing( spining arround for no reason ) and the only thing that made me read further was that I just want to leave a comment. If I were to find your sales letter on some website I wasn’t going to read beiond the first 10-20 lines. After reading all the shitty stuff about the spinning , yes I was getting interested by your product. But! I think that the best part of your letter is the last one , where you say you know how to halp women controle the endocrinological glands….I hope I didn’t make so many spelling errors.
My advice to you: lose the part about the spining or at least try to get women interested in your product and then , tell them about spinning , somwhere in the end, that might make it look funny, after having read all the serious stuff about weight and loosing it.
Congrats on getting your letter written and putting it out here to get it critiqued. That’s some guts.
I’d avoid asking a yes/no question as a headline at all costs. Better to avoid asking a question all together. What you do when you do that is give them the opportunity to say no and quit reading. Even the best question will have them go into their head to look for an answer. Depending on the question, they may not come back to finish reading.
I’d definitely take out the “Stop” subhead. A pattern interrupt like that works in person but in writing you’re encouraging them to stop reading… and go do something else (not stop and do your exercise).
I’d take out the whole exercise thing. Maybe describe it but definitely don’t ask them to do it. You admit one of the results is that they’ll be dizzy or even nauseous. That’s probably not the feeling you want them to associate with your product.
This product is ripe for someone’s personal story. Maybe a discovery process about where someone came up with all this information and how it changed her life.
I’d put some overall benefit bullets up closer to the top. Clayton Makepeace does that fantastically if you want to swipe his format. You have to sell them on reading your letter pretty soon after the headline.
I’d position the limited inner circle as something exclusive rather than “bad news.”
The “important” note on moving smells contrived. I start thinking that if you’re moving and can’t keep up with your business that maybe you should wait until you can. Then I start wondering if you’ve moved yet or if you’re going to update it when you do.
Your option #1 in the PS would piss me off if I were a target reader. Who are you to tell me that I’ll stay overweight or that I’m currently unhappy? The rest of the PS could use a little more empathy as well.
I wouldn’t tell them to click off the page as a PPS. You’re directing them away from a sale. And the links at the bottom of the testimonials page don’t work.
I’d adhere to the rule of 3 for design. Only use up to 3 colors or different fonts/styles. Scrolling through the page I see black, red, blue, purple text with yellow highlighting. I’d probably choose a different font as Courier suggest newspaper and the letter doesn’t feel like that.
Hope that helps.
Louis
Headline is, indeed, way too long. I also don’t like the fact that you seem to following the standard copywriting format. I believe that if you want to be effective, you have to be different. Be like the thousands of other copywriters and you will compete with the masses. Forge your own road, and the rewards are amazing!
Hi Rich, I don’t get the idea of having someone start to read the sales letter then stop to do some test. I may/may not come back. personally, 79 bullets in a row is overwhelming. Break them up. 6-7 bullets, then a main body of another benefit then bullets again. Maybe I missed it but I did not see “why” it was Jen’s passion to help other women. Testimonials and before/after pics in main body would get me interest. The format is good, but could be a ittle clearer. The way you structured the bullets were good, just too may at once. Good luck in a very tough market!
P.S. Possibly starting with letting the women with weight problems”off the hook” and explaining why it is not their fault they are heavy is the way to go
Weight loss is all about pictures… gobs of before and after pictures with killer
testimonials.
The best I’ve seen use a fat, pasty white dude holidng a newspaper with a before
caption that looks dreadful.
But then…
4 months later… after using the gobly goop supplement… the now ripped and
tan dude… is holding a USA Today… wearing a huge grin… after dropping a whopping
52.7 pounds… in a record 74 days!
If you don’t have clients with these results/testimonials, I would give away your product (book, diet, supplement etc.) for FREE until you do get some!
The ‘best stuff’ I’ve seen in this market was done by Bill Phillipts in
his ‘Body For Life’ book… which is really brilliant, never-ending sales letter
promoting his now sold… EAS supplement line.
Billy Phillips was brilliant… when he and Joe Polish first launched this!
Hey there.
The one comment I’d like to make quickly…
I don’t “feel” any connection or empathy in this letter. It could be because Rich is a guy and needs more prospect research… but the one glaring disconnect I see right now is Rich’s description of the market. It almost sounds like there’s a hint of disdain for the market… which might be why the letter doesn’t connect emotionally. Which is doubly or triply important as we’re selling to the woman’s market.
Gina Parris’s comments are invaluable. Interviewing a few more women in the target market will get you some common sensitivities and fears and objections shared by your target market.
Colin
Rich,
I would listen to everything Ben has to say and cut the reading time WAY down since 98% of the people out there HATE to read. I am not one of them and I got tired of reading. One of the things I like best in a letter like yours is a good audio to go along with it. Not too long, but enough to capture the person’s interest so that they would be enticed TO read your letter. I especially would like to see more pictures of women who are in your target market along with testimonials as well as before and after shots.
All the Best,
Alicia
I had three problems with this landing page.
1. I thought the spinning test was interesting, but I wanted to know what medical authority recognizes this as a reliable test of endocrine system performance.
2. The photo did not relate to the topic; only a before and after photograph would be relevant–and not just a head shot.
3. The headline promises losing weight in 15 seconds a day, but the topics highlighted in the book covered activities and additional purchases like supplements that clearly indicate more than 15 seconds and the purchase price of the book are involved.
Hi Rich,
Having been a certified personal trainer (before a serious accident), I question the validity of the endocrine-spin around test. You should probably try to find a professional that agrees with that-and add their testimonial.
Other than the overall length of the letter, especially the bullets, my only other major problem is…where are your (her) credentials? I think it’s mentioned once that she is or was a trainer? Anybody can make that claim, I would need to know more about where her information comes from. What makes her an authority on the subject? Is it safe for me to follow her direction?
I agree with some of the others that commented about losing the picture. Some before and afters (especially from previous clients-if any) would go a long way.
Good luck
Hi Rich
I just took a quick look:
Please lose the hottie. If an overweight middle aged lady sees that, whoosh goes the attention. All the way back to the youth etc. And the thought ” Yeah, right. She has never been fat. So how can she tell me how to lose weight?” will come up immediately. The goal just seems too far.
I would maybe use a headline like this:
“If there was a chance today for a method to make all those embarrassing lumps dissappear for the price of One Dinner & Movie Out……?
Would you trade me?”
You could possibly look at the aspect of including a mention that the family could be on this system as well, because there is nothing as lonely as a person being the only one in a family on a more healthy living and eating method for weight loss. Especially for a busy middle aged woman that is quite likely a mother and wife, with a possible career on the other hand.
Her husband is also possibly overweight, and she does not want the kids to follow.
It would make more sense to her to prepare a single type of meal, as well as to buy her groceries
with the whole family in mind. It will help with the snacking while preparing. Deadly while cooking and packs the pounds on, oh so sneakily. Show her how to take temptation out of the loop because the whole family is in on it.
I would also change the name of the book to something like this ” The Ultimate Family Eating Guide” (Title)
“The family fat fighter with no more lonely diets” (subtitle) because a mother and wife is the centre
of the family. The embarrassment of my wife/mother is on yet another diet will be out of the loop.
Diet is a four letter word, and with a history of unsuccessful diets, it is really a rub.
Maybe also mention that she did not get fat alone overnight, so the solution will not be overnight either, but if the family was involved, who knows?
Just my quick two cents. I wish you enormous conversions and sales.
Tommy
Diane here … and the target market.
I like the tip from (believe it is Bob Bly) that a sales letter’s length should be in proportion to the cost of the product.
Letter way too long … most especially for an e-book selling on the web.
As a prospect and weight loser … I believe you are talking to mostly women who have tried it all. IMHO … when I hit any fear and/or emotional messages that remind me to think badly of myself or focus on what’s wrong versus what’s right and possible to do, I STOP reading.
You need shorter, more compelling headlines, and subheads. These may be all that get scanned.
And … I would use more personality marketing and genuinely offer information about the author, and why I should listen to her.
If the e-book isn’t being written by someone who has been through the experience, I wouldn’t even attempt the project. Yes … Diane being negative. I hate that I said that.
With everything as hard as it is for everyone, I’d turn this piece around and make this a “Greatest Weight Loss Tools” kind of a piece. If the book is that good, set it apart, by show casing what can be done, and nix the negative stuff that helps people have bad self talk and get more depressed.
Make sure that any and all “urgency” messages are actually truthful.
Lastly, and for some outrageous marketing, I’d add a “tips and tricks” essay contest where the prospects write an essay on “habits, tricks, and tips” that work for them, giving away an email mentorship and ebook/products free. That way, the author could have her next “Best Of” ebook research done for her.
I adore Nick Usborne’s Sectrets …
Tell me “I Can” like I was a little child.
Give me a reason to read the letter.
Remember, you’re not selling one ebook, you’re selling 20.
And lastly, on the web, we’re not just writing to our prospects …
We’re writing to ourselves and our fellow marketers.
With a weight loss product, the news and reputation of this product will travel fast. If the author is willing to add more of herself and create a community, she will have a site where her back end products will keep on “helping” (not selling) her community.
And as Joe Vitale says … Dare Something Worthy!
If Ms. Jolan has sincerely written this book to help people with their health and well being, I would add those show case that!
Diane
p.s. Thanks Ben. Great idea and practice for all of us!
Hi Guys-
I treated this as I would any other sales ad that I clicked on- I only went as far as I was interested.
I made it to the spin test- and then just scrolled down the letter.
I think that most of my critiques have already been covered:
- Women in photo does not even look like someone in the target market
- The Spin Test seemed a little weird
- The letter was way too long
- Needs some before and after pics
- Wouldn’t have the bullet talking about urine and feces highlighted as there are better ones
Sorry if this was a little strong
Jen
Thanks for doing this test. I’m just starting out and enjoy hearing what other experienced writers think! My two cents: Abrham always stresses using real numbers. In the subhead, I would say 3, 752 women….
And it’s already been mentioned, but the first thing I noticed was a lack of testimonials. With over 3,700 success stories, someone needs to step up and tell us how good this program really is!
Again, thanks for this opportunity!
Dan Clark
These comments have been insightful. You’ve got some sharp pencils on your list Ben.
Rich, your having the cajones to post your letter here will serve you well. You should always have someone who you trust knows their stuff give your copy a fresh eyes review before unleashing on your market.
With that said, I only had one question. Do people really believe before and after pictures? I mean really. Anyone with any common sense knows pictures can be altered. And the diet market has been known to have some real diabolical “do whatever it takes to get the money” dirt bags abusing their vulnerable customers.
It seems to me that home made, kinda junky-looking home video wouldn’t set off the “Yeah, right” alarm in your prospects mind. Yeah, if it was Stephen Spielberg quality film on a polished set it might… but not if it was my husband or sister shooting the video in my living room with kids yelling in the background a dog at your feet and normal living room lighting.
If you’ve seen Get Altitude you’ll remember the part where Joe Polish busts out his little $50 dollar or something like that video camera and shoots video of him and Eben talking on stage and has the crew play it for the crowd so they can see the quality of these little cheapo cameras.
He was talking about the idea of sending these cameras to your customers who you’re seeking a testimonial from. It seems that almost no market would benefit more from this kind of proof than yours Rich.
The key is homemade. Not informercial quality.
Please, somebody let me know if someone is already pulling this off successfully in weight loss. I’d love to study their site.
Keep thickening your skin and your knowledge by asking for feedback Rich,
Note Taking Nerd Numba 2
http://www.mynotetakingnerd.wordpress.com
I just wanted to say thanks to Ben (you’re awesome dude) and everyone who left some helpful comments and suggestions.
I’ll be implementing a lot of them before the start of the new year.
THANK YOU,
Rich
Rich – I for one, wish you all the best. Great job putting it up there- and you sure can talk to me about the fat-conscious female perspective anytime. (don’t know how many heavy women you want to walk up to and say, “Hey can I get your fat-gal input?”) -Gina
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