Below is the first “mob” sales letter critique.
My comments on the sales letter are below.
Feel free to add your own unique thoughts, ideas and suggestions about the sales letter in the “comments” section below.
The more feedback, the better.
Before we begin, I want to say “thank you!” to everyone who submitted their own sales letters.
I chose this particular ad because:
1. Rich (the guy who submitted it) was one of the few who included info on the market along with the letter. (Extremely important whenever you’re seeking a critique.)
2. It’s in a truly crowded market with LOTS of competition.
3. It’s a woman-dominated market — something all of us can never learn too much about.
Okay, enough babbling.
Below is the link to Rich’s sales letter and the information he sent me about his market.
My critique is below that and, again, if you wish to submit feedback for Rich (he’s eager for feedback — positive or negative), just enter it in the comments section.
ALL comments are welcome.
And I know Rich will appreciate any feedback — good, bad, or ugly.
Here’s the sales letter:
And here’s the market info:
Overweight women (usually middle-aged) who want quick fixes and “outside-the-box” weight loss tricks…. something beyond the ordinary. They’re busy, depressed, full of excuses, stressed out, tired, and pretty much in a hopeless state of mind.
They don’t like going outside their comfort zones and want to continue to eat what they’ve been eating without having to add much if any exercising to what they currently do (which usually isn’t much). They’d generally like to take a pill and be done with it, instead of doing anything with diets and exercise.
OK Rich, when reading mine (or anyone else’s) advice, take everything with a grain of salt.
In fact, treat all suggestions like a hat or coat.
If they “fit”, use them.
If they don’t “fit”, discard or put them away for later.
With that said, here are some thoughts I had while reading it…
Headline Idea
Your headline’s not necessarily a bad one.
But I always like playing around with totally different headlines and themes.
So here’s another idea to test:
You Can Use My Secret “Disappearing Fat” Method
To Almost Effortlessly Shrink 1.75 Inches
Off Your Belly, Hips, Thighs And Butt
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”Hi, my name is Jen Jolan. Over 3,700 women have used my new book ‘The Ultimate Diet Guide’ to quickly eliminate ugly fat and retake control of their health — without starving, straining or long hours of exercise.
”And I’m so confident my new book can do the same for you that, if I’m wrong, I’ll double your money back… and you can even keep the book just for your trouble…
By the way, if you do test this headline…
… make sure it’s custom-tailored to exactly what your market is feeling and thinking.
You want to use the exact words your market uses when they talk about their weight problems.
Before & After Photos
If I were you, I’d make it my #1 mission to get as many “before and after” photos of women who have bought your eBook as possible.
This takes time, effort and a lot of persistence — but I think you will find it more than worth it.
Nothing persuades quite like a good “before and after” picture.
Also, test putting your testimonials in a side bar along the side — with frequent order buttons sprinkled throughout. And if you can call those customers up and ask them:
-
1. For a photo (looking slim, of course)
2. If they will read their testimonials over the phone so you can record them.
That way you can personalize those testimonials and give more “weight” (no pun intended) to their impact.
Lose The Hottie?
This is not set in stone, but is definitely worth testing.
It could be some women in your market are not going to relate very well with the photo of Jen Jolan.
At least, not if you don’t also include a picture of her looking overweight next to it.
The more you can connect with your market — so they see Jen Jolan (or whoever the letter is “from”) as “one of them” — the better.
In fact, if you can swing it, I’d suggest finding a customer who was overweight and isn’t now, and ask them if they will let you use their story and before-and-after photo in the ad.
Speaking of which…
Weave More “Woe.”
Another thing to test, is finding someone who is actually part of your market and having that person be the “voice” of your ad.
This way, it’s coming from someone your market can instantly and easily relate to and connect with.
Ideally, you want the voice to be from someone who is of the exact same age, income status, etc of your market.
By the way, if you can’t find anyone, the next best thing is having Jen Jolan tell the story of a woman fitting the market’s exact description.
You know, something like:
“Not long ago I ran into an old friend… she is in her forties now and had gained a lot of weight after childbirth, stress, divorce, fast lifestyle… she was depressed…. miserable… stressed out… too busy to hit the gym or make healthy meals each day… in a hopeless state of mind.”
Literally work ALL those emotions your market is feeling into the story.
That way they can more easily “step” into the ad themselves and experience it.
Then, after going on about how everything sucked for her, transition into your product.
Something like how Jen showed her friend a secret way of losing weight she’d learned while working as a personal trainer for a celebrity (or some kind of dramatic client)…
… and told her to do a simple 15-second exercise each day so easy and convenient, you can do it while stuck in traffic.
Then, miraculously, within just a few weeks… her friend lost weight… became a new person… got a new (younger) boyfriend, starting getting calls from her friends asking her for advice on how they could lose weight… etc, etc, etc.
See how that works?
It all goes back to a story your market can relate to and experience.
Great Bullets
I enjoyed reading your bullets, good stuff…
Domain Dilemma
Something I recently learned from Google AdWords “wizard” Jim Yaghi is having numbers in domain names can be dangerous.
In other words…
… if someone is talking about your domain name verbally, or if you are telling someone about it over the phone (like on a tele-seminar), or if someone is simply trying to remember it by name…
… they may say: “weightlossguideforwomen.com”… instead of “weightlossguide4women.com”
So I’d grab the domain name “weightlossguideforwomen” and forward it to your main one just in case.
Bigger Guarantee
The weight loss market is a tough nut to crack.
But one way to give yourself an immediate advantage is to offer something nobody else has the balls to do.
In this case, how about a double money-back guarantee?
Double their money back and they can keep the book no matter what (which is true anyway, since it’s digital).
Could be worth at least testing.
Back End?
This is just supplementary advice and maybe you are already doing this.
But it’d be a no-brainer to back-end sell a continuity-type product — maybe a supplement, beauty cream, etc.
This way, you turn a one-time sale into many more sales for months to come.
Okay Rich, so that’s my advice for now.
Again, take with a grain of salt.
You know your market better than I do, so use what fits, discard what doesn’t.
If you want examples of more weight loss ads for ideas, check out the following URLs:
If anyone else wants to chime in on Rich’s ad, feel free to in the comments section below.
Especially if you are a woman who is either in this market, knows someone in this market, or sells to this market (your advice will be worth ten times what mine is to Rich.)
And don’t worry about offending Rich or hurting his feelings.
He’s a big boy and can take it 
So fire away…
