“So my pathetic friend… is there anything that you can do well?”
– Pai Mei
Want to hear something interesting?
Once upon a time someone (who SHALT remain nameless) offered to pay me quite a hefty sum of the green stuff in exchange for me flying out to where they live and personally (in their house!) teaching them the mysteries of the “Settle” way of writing emails.
Of course, I declined.
No, not because of my reclusiveness.
(Some price tags override even my introversion…)
But for fear of their safety.
You see, I’m from the “Pai Mei” school of teaching.
You know who he is, right?
He was the old kung fu master in the movie “Kill Bill” — a merciless man who took great pleasure in humiliating his students via mockery, physical pain and psychological torture.
And like him, my attitude would be I’m NOT your “coach.”
Or even your “mentor.”
I’m your MASTER.
I OWN you.
Your hand is MY hand — and would type what I tell it to, your brain is MY brain — and would think what I say.
It would NOT be fun for a student.
Oh just the opposite!
It’d be intolerable.
And, in many ways, inhumane.
Frankly…
The physical writing training combined with my psychological torture (via mockery, shame and sheer cruelty) would have you waking up in the middle of the night (sleeping on the hard floor, of course) making typing motions with your fingers. In fact, just like Beatrix in “Kill Bill”, your fingers would be so broken from all the typing and writing… you would not even be able to eat with utensils.
And if you tried eating with your fingers?
I’d toss your food on the ground and tell you:
“If you want to eat like a dog, you can live and sleep outside like a dog. If you want to live and sleep like a human, pick up that fork!”
Yes!!!
Just like Pai Mei did!
It would be SO much fun for me.
But for you?
Hell on earth.
Heck, my cruel tutelage would probably violate several articles of the geneva convention.
Do you see now why I don’t take coaching students?
Why I stay home?
And why I instead urge people to subscribe to my “Email Players” newsletter for ongoing training?
Mine is a SWELL ship for the captain.
But a HELL ship for the crew.
So y’all are better off with the newsletter:
Ben Settle
