Ben Settle

  • Book & Newsletter Tabloid Publisher
  • Email Supremacist
  • Anti-Professional
  • Pulp Novelist
  • Alt-Copywriter

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To help round out this month and Halloween, below is a list of blood-thirsty marketing monsters roaming the internet looking for hapless victims to financially attack, plunder and, in some cases, ruin.

So sharpen your stake.

Grab your pitchfork.

Get the torches out.

And let’s hunt the evil…

FREEBIE-SEEKING FRANKENSTEIN

This monster roams the countryside looking to attach new parts to his body. And after you’ve given him a free arm, leg or other valuable part of yourself…

… he doesn’t stop!

He relentlessly lurches towards you, arms stretched out in front of him, chasing you around to give him even MORE free stuff.

Unfortunately, you can never defeat him.

The bastard’s practically immortal.

But you CAN ward him off.

First by ONLY giving him something small.

And second, by making it clear everything else must be paid for.

HELLHOUND LAWYERS

These vicious beasts foam blood at the mouth and lack souls.

They do truly nasty things, too — like seek out deals to kill… drag innocent people through frivolous litigation to take as much moola as they can… and sometimes even defend the other marketing monsters who have attacked **you**!

These killer canines are cunning and vicious.

Often the only way to beat ’em is with your OWN hellhound lawyer.

Pray one never catches your “scent.”

HYDRA OF HYPE

You often see this giant, dragon-like thing with multiple heads in highly competitive niches.

Like diet, biz opp, work-at-home, etc.

And each time the law cuts one of its heads off, a new, even MORE hypey head re-grows in its place — breathing even MORE fiery hype, screaming headlines and exaggerated claims they can’t back up.

The law cannot slay this beast because of its regrowing heads.

However, it’s easily avoided.

If you listen, you can hear it coming a mile away.

CREATURE FROM THE BROKE LAGOON

This thing is slippery like a fish and is hard to catch.

He likes to swim around forums, blogs and anywhere else he can parrot bad advice that’ll keep you broke. The difference between him and the other monsters, is this creature doesn’t KNOW he’s doing bad.

In fact, he thinks he’s doing GOOD.

He thinks his half-baked advice based on theories and hearsay work — even though they have never worked for HIM.

But, since he needs to survive, he tries to sell it to others.

Usually as an affiliate for something he’s never used.

Stay away from his swamps — like forums — and you’re safe.

COPYWRITING CRYPT KEEPER

This emaciated wretch is more a danger to himself than you.

He haunts the marketing graveyards constantly running ads that are lifeless, useless and don’t have a popsicle’s chance in hell of working.

Plus, his laugh is annoying and he’s kinda stinky.

But other than that, this shriveled up bag of skin is no threat.

Unless, of course, you copy & swipe HIS advertising…

CONTENT STEALING CYCLOPS

This insidious monster has just one eye.

And it’s always fixed on OTHER peoples’ content and stealing it.

He never speaks or talks. He just grunts and snarls and glowers over everyone’s content with his one, piercing eye. When he finds something he likes, he shamelessly takes it (with no regard to ethics, rules or copyright laws) and puts it on HIS websites.

To make matters worse:

It’s almost IMPOSSIBLE to find his lair.

He has no email, phone number or contact info.

And since he puts your content on sites like “blogspot” blogs, you have no recourse except jumping through hundreds of hoops that are not worth your time.

There’s not much you can do about this one.

But there are ways to use his evil deeds to your advantage if you use a little strategy.

THE SWIPE & STEAL SLIME

This shapeless mass of goo (roo?) oozes around the Internet absorbing everyone else’s ideas, ads, and sales letters. And then, when he wants to pitch something, shamelessly takes whatever he’s absorbed and uses it as his own.

There’s not much you can do about these monsters.

They’re impossible to catch since they have no real “substance”.

But it’s good to be aware of them.

Otherwise they could absorb YOU and make you a blob like them.

SERIAL REFUNDING SUCCUBUS

This elusive demon likes to hop from one business to the next — buying products, copying the content, and then refunding them while you’re sleeping.

More:

You can sometimes see it lurking on sites like clickbank and anywhere else they can have an easy refund policy. And you know it has struck when you make a sale and, within a few hours, it’s already been returned.

Unfortunately, it usually attacks while you’re sleeping.

But you CAN help stop its rampage.

Simply keep a file (like I do) of anyone who refunds with a lame excuse and don’t sell to them again.

You can also tell your colleagues to watch out for them, too.

BUREAUCRATIC BOOGEYMAN

Just like hell hound lawyers, these things lack a conscience.

They love to sneak into your personal life, your private records and even your bank accounts… and take and use whatever they want for their own twisted ends.

Unfortunately, LOTS of these monsters roam the countryside.

With more and more created each day.

And the more successful you are, the greater the chances they’ll target you. So make sure you’re prepared.

Their bite can literally murder your business.

GOO-ROO GHOUL (GHOUL-ROO?)

This monster often appears as a “guru.”

And he looks exactly like an expert.

Yet, he’s the complete opposite!

You see, what he does is, he lures unwary newbies in his market (usually “rabid” markets) to his cave and devours their every last penny — while delivering little or no real value.

And to make matters worse…

He is a master at using “social proof.”

In fact, he’s so unbelievably good at using it, his victims actually think he’s doing them a favor — almost like it’s a privilege — as he consumes their last dime.

OK Scooby Doo, that’s all for now.

These are the most ruthless monsters roaming the Internet.

If you want to protect yourself from their wrath this Halloween, put away the candy, get thy bootyus to the castle armory, and strap on the weapons you can find in the November (and grand 100th) “Email Players” issue that goes to the printer today:

www.EmailPlayers.com

It’s the best way to defeat these fiends.

And, make extra scratch, too…

Ben Settle

  • Book & Newsletter Tabloid Publisher
  • Email Supremacist
  • Anti-Professional
  • Pulp Novelist
  • Alt-Copywriter

PO Box 1056 | Gold Beach, OR 97444, United States | (541) 412-6364 | ben@bensettle.com

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